How I deal with walking past a brewery

I don’t drink anymore.

A new brewery opened up in my neighborhood just after I got sober.

I used to love craft beer from small breweries.

I could have walked to this brewery.

I would have spent a lot of time and money at this brewery had it opened sooner.

Perhaps it’s better that it opened after I got sober.

Now on my runs I go by this brewery because it’s on the way to my preferred loop.

On the way out I’m running and on the way back I’m usually walking by then as I’ve hit my mileage goal for the day.

Do I need to go past this brewery…..uhh probably not. There are a million different routes to go.

Why do I keep going past the brewery then?

Maybe I like the superiority of running past their patio while they all sit their with their stupid beers wishing they were in good shape like me. Wishing they weren’t hopelessly addicted to the drink like me. The runner, running by who is clearly in a better place now.

They must think to themselves as I go by, that look there’s a sober guy free of alcohol. Doesn’t he look cool and fit. Doesn’t he look like he has no more worries in life. He looks like a guy who is clearly better than me, if only I could quit drinking this stupid beer. Oh well, I guess I’ll go get in line for some fries from the food truck.

Yeah I’m sure that’s what they are thinking. I’m sure they are focused on me, running instead of the million other things happening in their head and the dozens of things happening around them.

So I guess I handle walking/running by a brewery with some spite, maybe some resentments, and with pace.

how not to get sick of blogging

Well, take 3 days off and feel guilty about it and then get back to it on Monday is one method.

I forgot to post on Friday, well I didn’t really forget I just didn’t like any of my ideas and I wanted to go home. So I left without posting. Usually on Fridays I write 3 posts and schedule them for Saturday and Sunday. So not only did I not do Fridays I didn’t do Saturdays and Sundays either. If I didn’t like any of my ideas for Friday how was I supposed to come up with more for Saturday and Sunday.

The thing is, that I did have ideas I just wasn’t feeling very confident about it. I think just letting it fly and letting it go is important. I want to just write down here everything and anything and just post it. I’d rather post a bunch of hot garbage consistently than post inconsistently. At least for now that’s my focus. I just need more reps. I need more practice writing. I’ve taken a long time off since I tried writing anything seriously and the reason it failed last time was because I only wrote when I felt like it. Well I started feeling like writing less and less. And I would refuse to write when I wasn’t up to it. Pretty soon that project just faded into the sunset.

So for this I just want to write and write a lot.

I think the lack of confidence is pretty standard for me. It’s my default. It goes in swings and cycles though. Sometimes I feel pretty good about myself and I know I feel pretty good because I don’t care about what I post. I don’t care because I know I can withstand the “scrutiny.” My self esteem is tied into vulnerability. The more self esteem and confidence I have the more armor I have over my vulnerabilities. That armor takes work to produce and put on. So it’s not always thick. Sometimes it’s paper thin or nonexistent.

Self-produced shame can substitute for self esteem and confidence and be it’s own temporary armor. I’d rather not feel shame more than I care about being vulnerable. Shame seems to supersede a lot of emotions. Tying shame to motivation can be powerful and it can work, but it won’t work very long. Shame is just toxic and handling it for too long burns me up and makes it worse. So I can’t rely on it. I can use it to shock the system and get back on track. Which is what this post is. Getting back on track.

how to determine if pants have enough room to let out at the waist

Look at the back of the inside of the pants. If there is a v shape getting wider towards the belt area then there might be room. Depending on the width of the v shape at the top will let you know how much more room in the waist there is to let out. The deeper the v the more room. If you measure the v it’ll give you a rough estimation on how much your pants waist size can increase. You have to remember that there will still need to be enough fabric left to stich up the new seam.

how to bait a hook and stay patient with kids

Lean in. Yes, lean in. This is all you are doing today. You are the guy with the worm baiting the hook. That is your sole job and you should do it well. You have nothing else to worry about. Just bait hooks.

When you bait their hook and they drop the line in the water and the fish immediately grabs the worm and they lift it out of the water and put it right back in your face and say they need more bait. Just shrug. Since my only job is to bait hooks, looks like I’ll be busy and that’s great!

You can try and delay the time in between baiting hooks by offering some advice on fishing. Like make sure to close the bail and reel in a little. Then flick your wrist to set the tiny hook. They may or may not listen. But again, you’re only job is to bait hooks. So stick to that.

The less I’m trying to do other things or think about what else I want to do, the more present I can be for others. The more I can focus on just baiting hooks. Bonus if you can help get fish off the hooks too. That’s really cool.

how to enjoy summer

I don’t know. Honestly, I think I have all of the other seasons figured out. But I can’t crack summer.

In the fall I have hunting, cooler weather, wool clothes, apple orchards, football, pumpkins, Halloween and more hunting, all the hunting.

Winter has Christmas, snowshoe hare hunting, cold weather, cold weather clothing, more football, and skiing.

Spring has more snowshoe hare hunting, shed hunting, pre-scouting for next fall’s deer hunting, warmer weather, but not too warm so wool clothes are still an option, and lots of rain.

What does summer have? In my state it’s moist and hot. I don’t like beaches. I am taking a break from fishing. (Yeah I know the answer is probably fishing, but I can’t get into another hobby that I’ll blow thousands of dollars on, I have too many already).

I have to shift my entire wardrobe, I can’t wear wool clothes anymore. I have to wear linen and polos and sandals. Going outside kind of sucks.

I normally enjoy running, but it kinda sucks in the summer. It’s super hot and sweaty and my times get worse.

I would rather be cold and put more layers on. I would rather put on a jacket and gloves and a hat to go outside than to go outside wearing the bare minimum of legally allowed clothing and still be hot and sweaty. The temperature extremes are crazy too. My house and place of worked are air conditioned so I’m almost cold sitting at work or at home and then I go outside and it’s 40 degrees warmer. So it’s instant sweat. I don’t like sweating. I mean it’s fine if I’m prepared and dressed for it. But even then it’s still kind of annoying. I feel like I need a shower immediately as soon as I start sweating.

I think the answer is treat summer how people who hate the cold treat winter. They stay inside all the time. I’m going to go see more movies. Maybe go see some plays.

I could take it to another step and become whatever a snowbird for summer is called? A penguin? I could migrate really far north just for 3-4 months. Like Arctic shield area. Like where Ice Road Truckers ends it’s routes. I wonder if it’s better up there?

I really don’t want to wish away time. Therefore I have made an effort to find something I enjoy doing all throughout the year. But seeing movies and reading more books is something I can do year round. And I do those things year round. So what’s the unique thing that I can only do during summer? Wear a t-shirt outside? So I should get more tattoos because that’s the only time of the year I can show them off. Got it. That’s the answer, more tattoos.

How to fight negative self talk

Fight.

Counter every negative thought with a positive rebuttal.

I woke up today and every thought that comes through my head is negative. Stuff like, of course my tire is almost flat and I need to fill it up. Wow that person is avoiding eye contact with me because they think I’m a douchebag. Or I hate all my clothes. That guy walking is dog looks like a real douchebag. That person driving a nicer car than me must be some kind of rich entitled generational wealth asshole.

So I was told in my meetings that I’m only responsible for my second thought and my first action.

I can’t control my first thought. But I can control my second thought. I can control my first action that comes from my thinking.

So for every thought that starts with of course the coffee grounds that you just ground are going to go every where but the coffee basket and spill all over the counter and get on the floor and then the coffee grounds are going to stick to the bottom of your bare feet and you’re going to track coffee grounds all over the house. Of course that is going to happen. That’s a whole train of thought. But it’s the first train of thought that came through my head as I was grinding coffee and attempting to get the coffee grounds into the filter basket. (Why does it seem like some days the coffee grounds fly out of the grinding cup in every direction except down? It’s like they the basket is a the same magnetic polarity and they fly away from it?)

So this train of thought just flies through my head and I can feel the negative rush of emotion coursing through me in response.

Here’s where I can actually do something. Pause.

Say to myself, whew boy it’s that kind of day, huh?

Okay now we fight and parse through that whole line of thinking and say so what to everything.

So what if the coffee grounds go everywhere but the basket. I can grind more. I can then clean off the counter. I can then sweep up the grounds that got on the floor. So what if some of the grounds got on my bare feet I’m about to take a shower anyway. So what if it seems like the coffee grounds are negatively reacting to the filter basket, some days it just is that way.

I’ll be honest this process of fighting is exhausting, especially when it goes on all day. And on these types of days I need to make my life easier in every way I can. I need to wear simpler clothes, like pants with a zipper fly instead of button. Because I’m going to be drinking a lot of water and going to the bathroom a lot and zipping up a fly is easier than a button fly. Looser shirt that doesn’t need to be tucked in, so that I’m not worrying about the back of my shirt riding out of my pants all day. I need to compensate for all the extra mental energy I’m going to be exerting fighting my negative self talk by making the things I can control easier.

On days like this, where every car seems like it’s riding my ass I’m going to plan a long run. I look forward to that time because usually when I’m running my focus can be just on that or on the podcast I’m listening to. There’s just less room for negative thoughts when I have a task to focus on.

I should also try and go to bed earlier. I can also give myself grace when I end up staring at my phone at the end of the day mindlessly scrolling.

It’s a battle and some days are just like this and it’ll pass. This too shall pass.

How to feel insignificant

Look at the stars. Look at the red spot on Jupiter through a telescope. Realize how far away that is. Realize how far away and how that planet has no idea of my existence. Or anyone’s existence. Then expand that though process outward. There are trillions of planets and stars that exist that don’t know about me and I that I don’t know about. Then take that thinking into time. Think about all the planets and stars that have existed before my time and will exist after I’m gone. It’s not even a drop in the bucket. It’s bigger and more lonely than that.

Now take this thinking too far and it becomes a problem. But I guess we get to decide what matters for the short time we’re around. That’s freeing. That’s using insignificance for a good cause.

how to stop being obsessed with the next thing to buy

Stop going on instagram. Or go on instagram and scroll quickly past the advertisements for new clothes. I love buying new clothes. I love researching clothes and finding deals. I love going on ebay and poshmark and trying to find something really expensive for cheap. I like reading product descriptions. I like looking at colors and planning future outfits.

All of this leaves me sitting and waiting for the next thing. It has me in a constant state of expectation. And if my expectations are constantly being met. I’m disappointed.

So I have to stop going to the websites where I shop at. I have to not look at the “New Arrivals” I have to be happy for the clothes I have. I have to or I get to realize that I have more than enough clothes, for now. I’m not going to go naked. I have enough clothes to make an outfit for just about every potential scenario. I don’t need to get the same pair of pants in a different color because it will make a different outfit work better.

I just have to stop looking at things I want to buy. When I’m looking at things I want to buy I quickly convince myself that I need these things. Then when I don’t get the things I need. I feel like my needs are not being met and that is a short circuit to freaking out and doing more and more desperate stuff.

I am an all or nothing person. I can’t or I haven’t been able to yet, figure out how to passively enjoy things. I’m all in or all out. So for now abstinence to looking at clothes is the order of the day. At least for now. It’s becoming very hot and I might need a new polo.

how not to care about people talking too long in meetings

I ask myself so what….

So what if this person talks too long. So what if the meeting runs long.

Do I have somewhere I have to be? Am I about to perform open heart surgery? Am I late to pilot a transoceanic flight? If yes, then I can leave. If no, then what’s 5 more minutes? If 5 minutes goes by and I still am annoyed. I can always leave. Or I can sit through a little bit longer of someone talking.

Maybe that’s my act of service for the day, being a listener. Not even a good listener or a bad listener, just a listener. I can do that.

Maybe it’s more important for that person to say what they really need to say and for me just to sit and listen. Surely they have probably had to listen to me at some point. I can return the favor.

It’s not written in stone that meetings have to end at the top of the hour. Should they end….yes, they should. Do they always? No. Do they end on time or early 99% of the time? Yes. So this is an anomaly and things will be okay. If meetings start to habitually run late, then we can address it at that time. Until then. I can sit and pretend I’m listening. Or I can leave. It’s a free country.

how not to feel shame about playing games on my phone

Why does it feel like a dirty shameful secret that I played a game on my phone for 4 hours last night?

The game is called Mob Control. You point mobs of your guys against an invading army of their guys. Blue vs. red. Couldn’t be simpler. Except all the progressions and micro transactions built in.

I have not spent any money on this game. I have spent time watching ads. Which I hate.

I specifically listen to free college radio because I hate ads.

But last night I was willing to give up my prescious and fleeting time to this game and all the ads. I even chose extra ads to watch because it helped me advance the levels of my army guys.

I think I get off on the shame. I think it feels like more of an indulgence if it’s shameful. I also enjoy the game on a base level too. But the extra shame sauce makes it oh so sweet.

I never hear people talking about the mobile games they play. So I take that to mean people are ashamed of them. Maybe they aren’t ashamed they just don’t openly talk about it?

I have also played Pokemon Go on my phone since 2016. So I guess I’ve been doing it for a long time. I justify that game by saying it helps me get out and discover and move around. And yes part of the game is literally just covering ground. But you can definitely play a lot of the game just sitting on your couch. Especially if that couch is on top of a spawn point, pokestops, and gyms.

So I let myself off the hook for last night by telling myself it’s not time wasted if I enjoyed it. Which I did. I had a book right next to me that I have been itching to get more into. Just sitting there, every time an ad would pop up I would glance over at the book. Think about reading it, think about this being my last mission, then get sucked into the game again and do another mission. Rinse and repeat for 4 hours. Oh well.

How to see a live comedy podcast taping by yourself

When you like a certain thing and no one you know directly also likes that thing. It can be lonely.

I really enjoy the Comedy Bang Bang podcast. I haven’t listened since the beginning, but I have listened all the way through. Back when it was called Comedy Death Ray and they had guests and played comedy songs in-between.

It’s one of the few podcasts that I listen to regularly. I am usually always caught up and ready for the next episode.

The last tour I just “decided” to bring my wife. I didn’t give her a lot of warning and she was not the most happy about taking a night to go see this thing she doesn’t know anything about. It was….fine. I certainly enjoyed myself. But she said in the most loving way possible, don’t worry about bringing me next time.

Smash cut to yesterday. I realized I was all alone. Kids at Grandmas and wife is visiting friends out of town. What do I do with a night to myself.

Oh yeah it’s the Ground Beefing tour and they are in my city. I looked up tickets and they had some, really close and affordably priced. Like super close.

Do I go to a show by myself?

Why the fuck not. I love this podcast. I could try and find a friend to go. Try to explain the show and get them up to speed on things. Coordinate travel and logistics and parking. Or I could just go by myself.

So I did it. Found parking really close for cheap. Walked in no problem and found my seat. I had no one in front of me and no one on either side. Amazing!

Did I wish I had someone there who also enjoyed the show, yeah kind of. But it’s also empowering for me to be into stuff that only I’m into. It goes against my codependent default setting.

It was fucking awesome to see Jess McKenna and Lauren Lapkus who haven’t been on the show as much lately. They are fucking all stars.

Paul F. Tompkins was so fucking funny.

Dan Lippert emerged from the Juliet seats.

And Casey Feigh came in as Joey Salsa at the end. Handing his phone to a stranger in the crowd to film his bit.

The show was like two hours long. Fucking great. I could just enjoy it and not worry about the person I’m with, if they are enjoying it or not.

You like what you like and when that thing comes to town. Go see it. Especially if it’s by yourself.

UPdate - how to not mow your lawn aka how to not keep up with the joneses

PART TWO OR AN UPDATE

My wife hired a guy to take care of our lawn. So does that mean I fail or I win?

On a personal level I win because I don’t have to do the lawn at all. The guy is going to do the landscaping and the mowing and the trimming and all the things.

But I also lose on a personal level because my wife hired someone to do it. So we lose financially and she might be mad at me because I wasn’t doing it. I don’t think the latter is true because I’ve made my case known about the landscaping industry for a while now. So she knew not to depend on me for that. Ruh-roh, just reading that last sentence aloud doesn’t sound great. Honestly I think it’s fine though. She cares much more about the lawn than I do and she had already taken it on herself as her thing…….More to be revealed on this front at a later date.

On a macro sense I also kind of lose because the crushing guilt of society wins the day because we are going to have a lawn that looks like we care. A lawn that keeps up with the Joneses. Fucking Joneses.
I looked more into this landscaping green lawn crap and it’s all just a way of displaying luxury. To have enough land on your property that can be used for aesthetic and leisure is an indulgence. It broadcasts to the other landed property owners that I have so much land I don’t need this chunk, but I have so much money I’m willing to spend it on a trifling matter such as keeping it green and planting plants that aren’t native. So double middle finger to the environment as well. Playing god on all levels.

I think that’s what it comes down to…playing and acting like god. And making sure everyone else in the area and everyone else that might drive by knows it too. We might as well just put up signs that say I am god. Just look at my lawn. Look at what I can make grow.

Look at the lemon tree I planted in a northern climate, far away from it’s native region. Look how much water I can waste to keep it alive. Look at how I have to protect it through the winter. Hell I might even dig it up, bring it inside to my greenhouse to keep it going. Or I’ll just buy a new one and plant it again next year when this one dies. The whole idea of Annuals as a plant that we just accept are temporary. We buy them in the spring, plant them, enjoy them for a short few weeks, they die and we do it again next year. What the hell is that?

I promise you I am not just trying to get out of doing work. Yes I am lazy, I will admit that. But I honestly believe we are wasting valuable resources on something that doesn’t matter and serves no purpose other than aesthetics.

To get really hyperbolic, I would hate to being dying of dehydration in ten years wishing I could have some of that water that I just haphazardly threw onto my non-native grass in August when it was just going to die off in the fall anyway.

how not to have random neck pains

Not be getting older? I don’t know. Sometimes I sleep on my pillow incorrectly and my neck hurts for a week.

Accept the random pains as part of getting older and just be grateful I’m alive? I guess.

Maybe work on my neck muscles and upper back more at the gym? Lift more weights? Strength training seems to be the number one most recommended thing right now for getting older. But you have to start doing it when you’re younger? If you wait too long then it all deteriorates. Your muscle mass goes away and never comes back? So I need to build up a ton of muscle mass because I’m going to lose it one day and the more I have the longer it will take to go away and therefore my body won’t start to really suck until later?

I’ve tried neck circles. I’ve tried arm and shoulder stretches.

I’ve tried ibuprofen.
I’ve tried coffee and complaining.

I’ve tried adding an extra pillow. I’ve tried sleeping on my back.

I’ve tried not slouching when I read at night.
I’ve tried getting up from my desk more often.

I’ve tried more lumbar support in the car, at least on the car that has that adjustment.

Maybe it’s cancer somehow?

Which somehow brings me back to acceptance?

How to stop overthinking everything

I don’t actually know. I do this by default.

Sometimes to combat over thinking I’ll do something rash and impulsive. Damn the consequences. That’s not really a cure for overthinking. That’s just a pendulum swing in the other direction. It’s still chaotic it’s just a different flavor of chaos.

The co-dependent in me wants to run my overthinking by someone else. That way they can help me make a decision. Or call me crazy and tell me what to do. That way it can be their fault if it goes poorly. If it goes well, well then I was right to ask them.

Sometimes I’ve had success. Just stopping. Getting up and walking away. Thinking about something else for a while. Sometimes the solution will pop into my head randomly later on while I’m focused on something else.

Sometimes I just need to trust my first couple thoughts. The solution is probably something I’ve already thought of and I’m more likely anyway to do one of my first ideas.

Care less, is another strategy. Get existential and think about how little this thing matters in the long run. It doesn’t matter at all if you think big enough. Nothing matters if you think big enough. Which is a slippery slope into a catatonic state. I have to pull myself back from the brink and try to right size the problem. How important is it? How important is it to right now? Next week? Next year? Try to give it the appropriate amount of time based on how important it is and them move on.

Do I even care? Maybe I don’t even care about this? Maybe it’s not even my problem to solve. Does this really belong to someone else and I just need to pass it off?

Can I actually control the outcome? Maybe I can’t and I’m wasting my time overthinking this problem.

Maybe it’s a shit or get off the pot. Just make a decision, fuck it. Move on. Analysis paralysis is probably worse than making the wrong decision……right?

how to handle your home team’s heartbreaking exit from the playoffs

Stop watching them.

Seriously. As a Minnesota sports fan I’ve had to take a massive step back from my participation and give less attention.

It messes me up. They also never win so it’s kind of like the definition of insanity. Why continue watching?

Why get my hopes up every year only for them to be dashed with a dramatic early round exit from the playoffs?

It’s not worth it.

Call me a bandwagon fan, that’s fine. Call me when they win.

How to avoid negatively thinking About Strangers

Try to counter every negative thought with a positive one. So if I think someone is a piece of shit because they parked like an ass hole in the parking lot. I can challenge that thought by coming up with reasons for why they might have parked like that. It takes some creative effort.

Maybe that person parked like an asshole because they were running late.

Maybe they really had to use the bathroom and not a moment could be spared for correct parking.

Maybe their partner is going into labor?

Maybe they are a heart transplant surgeon and they are late for a surgery?

Maybe they are having a really bad day because their hamster, dog, and mother just died?

Maybe they are just an asshole and there is nothing I can do about it. No amount of mental energy spent wondering why they are the way they are is going to change the parking situation. They parked like an asshole, according to me. They have probably already moved on with their day. Clearly they don’t give a shit, look at how they parked. But here I am wasting precious mental energy and time worried about their parking. And now I’m upset. So I’ve allowed them to get in my head and affect my mood. Meanwhile they don’t even know who I am. Why would I let someone else so negatively affect my day. Fuck that. I’m not going to let it happen.

So it’s kind of all of that, every single time someone does something negative. It can be mentally taxing.

how to draw a boundary

First draw a line between you and something you can’t have in your life. Step back behind the line. Keep your arms out so that the thing you can’t have in your life stays behind the line.

I don’t know, this isn’t something I was raised with. I very much struggle with boundaries. Every time I set one up I feel like a shitty person. I feel guilty because I’m not helping that person.

This setting boundaries comes up in my life when I’m dealing with addicts and alcoholics.

I want to help them.

I can’t help them.

I can help them go through the steps.

I can’t cure their disease.

I can help them go through the steps.

I can’t control their disease.

I can see them at meetings.

I can’t help them.

I can talk to them before and after meetings.

I didn’t cause their disease.

I can meet them to talk about the steps.

Boundaries are hard and when they are hard, because they are hard, they are probably necessary.

It does me no good to talk to an alcoholic on the phone at night when they are drinking.

So I can set a boundary that I am not going to answer the phone after 7pm.

Well now the alcoholic is calling me at 2pm….and they are drunk.

Okay so now my boundary has to shift. Now I’m not answering the phone at all.

Now the alcoholic is leaving me drunken incoherent voicemails.

I have to remind myself that no where in any of these phone calls or voicemails have we talked about or worked on the steps.

So now I need a new boundary and I have to block their phone number. This sucks. I feel guilty. I feel like shit because I’m not going to be there for them.

There is this romantic trope in AA that if an addict picks up the phone before they drink and calls their sponsor or a friend that we’ll somehow talk them off the ledge. So this idea of always answering the phone is drilled into my head. So not answering the phone feels like I’m not a good sober resource. BUT and this is a huge but and this is just me reiterating this to myself so I can try to not feel guilty. But I have to ask myself. Am I helping by answering the phone? Are we working on the steps? Are we setting a time to work on the steps? If no then I probably shouldn’t answer the phone.

And I know this, because when I was drunk and calling people and saying god knows what. I wasn’t remembering that the next day. I wasn’t creating concrete plans and coherent action items. I was just drunk and rambling. And it didn’t matter who was on the other end of the line. The damage was already done when I first started drinking that night. Nothing that came after that was helping. What did ultimately help me is when someone asked me if I wanted help and I said yes. And then I got busy. I did what I needed to. I was willing to ask for and accept help and to do what those people recommended.

I have to remind myself that the alcoholic and the addict knows what to do and they just need to do it. So unless we’re moving towards that, we’re just bullshitting. I might even be delaying their rock bottom. Or making their bottom nice and comfortable so they can lay down and get cozy. Which is not helping.

More Alanon is required. This stuff is really hard. And the guilt and the shame are real and it’s okay for me to feel them.

how to not procrastinate

Ha, good luck.

I don’t know make a list

Put stuff on the list that is easy to do.

Start with the easy stuff, hopefully that builds some momentum and you can start doing the harder stuff.

Hopefully that momentum translates into a can-do attitude. Hopefully that can-do attitude turns into all sorts of confidence. Hopefully that confidence helps you get all your shit done.

I’m writing this blog post at night…..I was going to write this blog post in the morning.

I’m probably not the best person to ask how not to procrastinate.

Sometimes I put stuff on my calendar to do. I try to put things that I can only do at night, at night. Stuff I need to do for work, I put as a calendar event during the work day.

Some people say to give yourself made-up deadlines. When I have a deadline I’m more likely to get that done on time. But usually not until the last minute. Really it’s not so much about not procrastinating, it’s about trying to be proactive instead of reactive. Instead of reacting with anxiety and stress to a deadline that is looming and getting things done quickly and in a scramble. It’s looking way out to a deadline that is months away and chipping away on the task, little bits at a time until it’s done.

Who the hell does that?

The only thing I have found that kind of mimics that stress now for a later deadline is to think of projects that I actually want to do. Like creative approaches. Like things that I am excited about and have started to tell people about. The fear that I might have to tell someone that the thing I was so excited about last summer that I was going to have out this fall….yeah I didn’t do that. That perceived future shame can sometimes be a present moment catalyst to get started. So from there I break it down into lists. Listing out even the smallest things, like call so and so and ask a question. But again this approach relies on panic. It’s not really sustainable. It fizzles out. And that’s exactly what happens. I’ll have a flurry of activity and then I’ll feel accomplished and then something else will come up that’s flaming higher and I’ll focus on that and weeks will go by before I remember to re-look at that other thing. Usually it’s another panic moment. Cold sweat moment just before falling asleep.

So I guess the only way not to procrastinate is to live in a constant state of panic….there ya go. That should work.

how to enjoy a cloudy day

First look up and stare. Really take in the clouds. Realize that the clouds are moving. Realize that since the clouds are moving, this won’t last. It will be sunny again. This cloud cover too shall pass.

Second, is it raining? If it is think about that Office Episode where they try to get Phyllis to list her 12 cliches for when it rains. Here they are:

1. The plants are going to love this.

2. I sure don’t want to get stuck in this on the way home.

3. It’s raining cats and dogs.

4. The humidity is going to make my hair freak.

5. The roads are slickest in the first half hour.

6. We’re pay for all the sun we got this year.

7. This weather just makes me want to stay at home curled up with a good book.

8. If we lived in Seattle, every day would be like this.

9. I wish I were allowed one rain check a year.

10. I love the smell after it rains.

11. Nobody knows how to drive in the rain.

12. I actually sleep better in the rain.

There is some great gratitude on this list.

Yes the plants are going to love this and they probably really need it.

We’re paying for all the sun, that’s kind of a karmic look at things. Like we have to get through some cloudy days to earn our sunny days. Or we don’t enjoy the sunny days until we have had to experience the cloudy days.

Stay at home with a book, absolutely. I would do this anyway sun or clouds. But it does feel extra cozy to be reading and glance up from your book and look outside and see rain drops. Even better if it’s snowing.

I think we’re allowed as many rain checks as we want each year, it’s called having boundaries?

I do love the smell after it rains.

I too, sleep better in the rain. Sometimes I’ll use rain storm hitting a roof as a white noise track.

Okay, but what if it’s not raining and it’s just cloudy.

Well even better because you’re not getting blasted by rain or by sunshine.
You could always move to a sunnier location.

You could just go back inside and sleep till it’s sunny again.

You could appreciate the hat that nature is putting on for you, protecting you.

Personally I love cloudy days. I feel like the world expects less of me on cloudy days. I feel like there is less pressure from society to get things done. Like it’s an easier day, more casual when it’s cloudy.

So I guess find a way to enjoy it. If you can’t, just remember the clouds are moving and this won’t last forever.

How to not get discouraged

I guess it’s unavoidable.

I want to believe that for every problem there is a solution and that solution is immediate or at least fast-acting.

Sometimes life is just hard and it sucks and there isn’t anything that can fix it.

That doesn’t mean I don’t try. But it means when I’ve tried a bunch of stuff and I’m exhausted I can be nice to myself and remember that shit is hard and sometimes it just sucks.

Learning to sit in discomfort and that I’ll be okay is the goal. Learning that I have the strength and fortitude to sit through hard times and come out the other side just fine is huge. What I learn from that process is that I don’t have to reach for a drink or a drug to try to numb out and avoid the process. The process is unavoidable. I can either do it now sober or I can get fucked up and put that process on hold, meanwhile it’s gaining interest and festering and when I am finally confronted with the process of enduring pain it’s going to be exponentially harder.

So I guess discouragement is natural. It’s okay to admit that I’m upset. Full stop. I’m angry. Sentence over. Will I still go for a run and try to mitigate the situation. Yes, but when I get back from the run and I’m tired and life is still pissing me off. Well that’s when I am learning to just accept it. This too shall pass. Just not right away.

It’s especially made harder when I feel like the things that are pissing me off about life are completely outside of my control. And I feel that way, because they are completely outside of my control. But I think that they aren’t at first and then I have to go through this thought process to remind myself that they are indeed outside of my control. And that becomes a loop and that whole mental process is exhausting. And I’m right where I started except now I’m really tired which doesn’t help the original anger. It probably makes it worse.

So what’s the advice here?

Learn that you will be okay. No matter what. Life can suck, you will get through it. And learn to appreciate when life is good. Express gratitude for the good. Especially when life is good. It’s always moving forward, whether I’m feeling good or shitty. That last moment is already over and I’m in a new moment. Odds are I won’t even remember this feeling two weeks from now.